Let it Be: Loosening the Grip of Attachment
It seems like so many of us are struggling right now with overwhelming feelings of concern, frustration, worry, even fear. We care very deeply about our work, our relationships, our communities, our country. There’s so much that needs to be fixed, to change, to be protected, yet we feel like we have no power. It seems there’s no escape. How can we find peace?
Let it be.
Wait, what? How can we let go when we really care?
Begin with asking yourself, is it care or is it attachment? Care is focused on wanting others to be safe, happy, well, at ease. When we care, we don’t want for ourselves, it’s not about us.
When we’re attached, it’s personal, an investment in a storyline or outcome. Attachment feels like holding on, wanting or needing things to be a certain way. We attach to feelings as if they define us. We may find ourselves stuck in disappointment, regret, or fear. We yearn for things, or we cling to them, not wanting them to leave or change.
With attachment we pin our happiness on other people, circumstances, and things. “Life would be good, and I’d be happy if only….” We yearn to be seen as successful, or important, or popular, or attractive. We’re frustrated with others because they don’t act the way we want them to, or we worry about growing old, or our children growing up and moving away. We fear that something bad will happen.
As we attach, we limit our ability to experience the present. We may be just fine right now -- even happy -- yet we’re consumed with what’s lacking or what might happen. We pour our focus and energy into things we can’t control. We’re left overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling like we have no power.
Gaining awareness of attachment can be difficult, and then what? How do we go about detaching?
We can begin by seeing that we do have power. When we let go of wanting, of owning, of seeking to control the world around us, we release the destructive impact of attachment. We find instead true power as we focus on what we can control about ourselves – our own feelings, actions, decisions, and boundaries:
Our attitude and effort
How we talk to ourselves
Who we surround ourselves with and how we treat them
What we expose ourselves to
Our willingness to challenge our beliefs, to learn and grow
How we nurture our bodies and our minds
Where we’re putting our physical, mental, and emotional energy
How we connect with others
As we shift our focus toward what we can control, we can adopt some simple practices to help us reinforce that focus and avoid the distractions:
Mindfulness: Our minds tend to live in the past (what was) and the future (what might happen). Using mindfulness, we can call on our bodies which always live in the present. It doesn’t take much to make a difference: pausing to focus on our breath, doing a simple body scan, or a 5-minute meditation.
Intentionality: Many of us are driven by our schedules and to do lists. We can also set daily intentions that focus on what we can control: today I’ll speak kindly to myself and others, or I’ll turn off the notifications on my phone, or I’ll listen to something funny or inspirational.
Self-compassion: There can be a direct link between attachment and a lack of self-compassion. We somehow feel “less than,” which feeds our yearning for things outside of our control. As we build self-compassion, our yearning lessens, and we detach. Consider incorporating the three components of self-compassion into your day: kindness and grace toward yourself, acceptance, and connection.
Acceptance: Practice letting things be. That doesn’t mean we can’t actively work to create a different future. It means we can make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with us or our lives, and then operate from a place of acceptance. Writer and teacher Sebene Selassie offers a dual meaning of “let it be:” setting intentions and accepting our responsibility to act for personal and collective well-being, and “let it go,” giving ourselves up to what we can’t control.
Connection: We can often feel very alone in our feelings of attachment. We may even emotionally and physically withdraw. As we connect with others, and learn about them, their work, and their lives, we realize that we’re not alone in our worries, frustration, or suffering. We see more clearly what we do have in our lives, and we appreciate that we’re part of the shared human experience.
By learning how to identify attachment and practice detaching, we free ourselves from the rumination, worry, frustration and fear about things outside our control that interfere with our well-being. We can instead re-direct our energy to where we can best impact what we care about most.