Making Peace with your Inner Critic
We call it the “inner critic” or say we have “imposter syndrome”. We know we’re getting in our own way, yet we don’t see a path to change.
Our inner critics show up in the stories we tell ourselves -- about what we’re capable of, or what we should or shouldn’t be doing. We say, “I’m not good at this,” or “I could never do that.” We want to step toward our goals and dreams, yet we talk ourselves out of it. We compare ourselves to others and see all the ways we fall short. We may even find ourselves overly critical of others, seeing only a collection of faults and bad habits vs good intentions and sincere efforts.
Having clear goals is just the first step to achieving them. The next essential step is gaining the self-awareness of the obstacles we put in our own way, but then what do we do? How do we quiet the inner critic? How can we transform from a negative mindset to one of encouragement, confidence, and self-compassion?
One approach is to begin with shifting how we think of our inner critic. What if we think of that inner critic as a separate part of us, one that’s trying to help? Initially, it may feel a bit silly, but it’s an evidence-based approach inspired by the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems. Through several decades, IFS has proven to be extremely effective in helping support self-discovery, wellness, and transformation.
Think of the voice as someone who’s reminding you of what they helped you learn. How they helped protect you from embarrassment, or punishment, or disappointment. Remember your young self at 7, or 13, or 15, and the tough experiences you went through. How has your inner critic helped you avoid the pain of repeating those experiences? You can be grateful to your inner critic for that help, yet also recognize that you don’t need help the same way anymore. What it’s telling you is no longer serving you.
Once you recognize how your inner critic has served you in the past, you can quiet it – move it out of the drivers’ seat so you can take control.
When you’re feeling a negative trigger toward yourself or someone else, allow yourself a moment to pause to feel that your inner critic is in control. From there, breathe and with compassion tell the critic thanks, but I’m good, I’ve got this.
You can strengthen your ability to quiet the critic by adopting daily self-compassion practices:
rest and recovery
journaling
movement
spending time with animals and nature
meditation
practicing speaking kindly to yourself – and others
reframing by substituting words like “should” “shouldn’t” “need to” and “but” with “it would be nice to,” “I’d prefer” “it’s important to me” and “yet”
listing out the things you do well and what you’ve accomplished – even the small things.
Using this approach, we can begin to see our inner critics as well-meaning, yet misguided friends, and learn to reclaim our agency, our trust and belief in ourselves, and our ability to live the lives we long for.
For deeper learning:
Introduction to Internal Family Systems, Richard Schwartz, PhD
Self as Coach, Self as Leader, Pamela McClean