Leadership Skills: Managing our Reactions and Learning from Triggers
Think of your worst moment. We all have them. A moment when we didn't show up the way we would like to.
We may have reacted too quickly, or even overreacted. We may have used harsh language or reacted with anger. We may have rolled our eyes or shaken our head. We may have shut down and not spoken up for ourselves, or for someone else.
As humans we all experience triggers -- things that we encounter that can spark intense negative emotions. It can be anything from snarly traffic to technology not working, to someone showing up late to a meeting, to not getting all the information we need, to someone behaving a certain way or using a particular word or phrase.
We all feel them, and they don't feel good. Our bodies react in fight, flight, or freeze - our hearts race, our breathing changes, we may get sweaty palms, or a dry mouth. We may feel hot, or cold. We may lose our voice. We can react in negative ways - speaking loudly or saying harsh or angry things or shutting down, shutting others out.
Reacting to triggers can impede or even prevent our ability to behave as our best selves, as the leaders and professionals we want to be.
We've all known certain leaders - they may be super smart, and they have very high standards for performance. They're highly reactive, and those around them are always on their toes. They pride themselves on achievement, yet the people in their organizations are stressed, anxious, feeling less than empowered.
Then there are the rarer leaders, the ones who seem unflappable. They take things in stride. Regardless of the crisis of the moment, they're the calm in the storm. They measure their responses to focus on what's most important, always treating people with respect and compassion.
The unflappable leader still has triggers, yet she's has gained awareness of them, she's learned from them, and she's gained tools that allow her to shift from reacting to thoughtfully responding.
We can strengthen our ability to regulate our nervous systems and thoughtfully respond by separating the thing that happens, the trigger, from our reaction to it. We can learn to move quickly from a dysregulated state to a more modulated, more thoughtful state following this simple approach:
Recognize when you're feeling triggered. Your body will give you clues that you're in a dysregulated state. Consider how fast your heart is beating, how you're breathing - any uncomfortable changes to how you're physically feeling.
Note the trigger. Record the moment to reflect on later, e.g., "I didn't like when that person did X." Your phone's notes app is a great tool for this.
Practice self-regulation. When you feel the trigger, pause and take a breath. Give yourself time between feeling and action. Change your posture or your environment - step away if you can, or step outside. Also find ways to adopt regular, consistent mindfulness, presence, and gratitude practices that will strengthen your ability to regulate during triggering moments.
Reflect. When we get triggered it's not about what happened, or the other person or people, it's something about us. Give yourself time to look back on the note about the trigger and consider what emotions you were feeling, what you were believing, what stories you were telling yourself. Consider the patterns or themes, what's common about your triggering moments. Think about what's familiar - what you know about yourself and your background that may be present.
Reframe. Challenge your beliefs. Tell yourself a different story. Consider what else may have been happening. Use more neutral, kinder terms about the other person and yourself.
Triggers can be our great teachers. By listening to the lessons they offer, we create new opportunities for greater awareness and growth. Pairing that awareness with self-regulation allows us to become the leaders, the professionals, the people we aspire to be.