Unlock your Potential by Growing Self-Compassion
The longer I live, the more I listen to my clients and work on my own growth, the more I see how our lack of self-compassion stands in the way of what we want and who we want to be.
How it causes us pain and hurts others. How it drives our need to seek approval, validation, and affirmation, and leads to misunderstanding, judgment and conflict.
What is "self-compassion?" It's being kind and understanding to ourselves, giving ourselves grace, particularly when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. It's recognizing that our failings are part of being human -- that others, even seemingly "successful" people fail in similar ways. It's being mindful of our painful thoughts and feelings and treating ourselves with care, rather than ignoring our pain, trying to push it away or push it down, or spiraling and flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
Strengthening our self-compassion is one of the most important things we can do to support our ability to achieve our goals and to positively impact our relationships, our families, our organizations, and our communities.
Our culture doesn't exactly encourage self-compassion. We may have been raised and taught to believe that any focus on ourselves is selfish or self-indulgent. And yet, as we strengthen our self-compassion, we find that we're more open, kinder, and more compassionate with others.
The perfectionists and people-pleasers among us may worry that practicing self-compassion will make us less effective. Maybe we'll accomplish less and disappoint others. Yet strengthening our self-compassion makes us more resilient - instead of self-defeating thoughts, we're able to pause, reflect, learn, and move forward, better and stronger.
So how do we shift - how can we strengthen our self-compassion? Research shows that adopting simple, consistent routines can result in notable differences:
Build awareness. Consider the story you're telling yourself and the words you use about yourself. Are they helpful and encouraging, or are they self-deprecating, critical, or even mean?
Learn self-regulation. When you're struggling - feeling frustrated, angry, or defeated - try pausing to take some deep breaths. Take a few minutes to step away, or step outside.
Adopt mindfulness. You'll almost immediately feel the benefits of even 5-10 minutes of loving kindness, or "metta" meditation. Try a relaxed posture, close your eyes or soften your gaze and repeat simple phrases, about people you love, about people you feel neutral about, about yourself: "may you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease."
Heighten body awareness and health. Nurture yourself with healthy food and movement and listen to your body - if you're tired, rest.
Speak kindly. Start the day with a simple intention to "speak kindly to myself and others." Over time you'll see how kindness begets kindness and begins to be more of your default mode.
Write. Journal, write yourself a letter, or simply list what you appreciate about yourself, what makes you feel proud. Focus on your intrinsic value, not just your accomplishments.
Believe in yourself. Trust yourself and your dreams. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Remember all the good things you've done and all the challenges you've faced - how you showed up even though it was really hard. All that you've learned. Know that you're worthy and good.
For deeper learning:
• Dr. Kristin Neff Associate Professor of Psychology, University of Texas at Austin, expert on self-compassion
• Ten Percent Happier for guided meditations and content on self-compassion
• The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research & Education at Stanford